Tremendous Things

Starting ninth grade is hard enough in normal circumstances, but when socially-inept Wilbur, aka Wil, finds that his nemesis Tyler is still a classmate and determined to ensure Wilbur is haunted by an incident from two years ago (when it was revealed he has uncontrolled erections), he feels pretty discouraged.

It doesn’t help that his best friend Alex has hooked up with a boyfriend, making Wil feel like a third wheel. And his two rather overbearing mothers often embarrass him. Nielsen’s trademark humour is in full bloom in this passage:

How Mum gave birth to a troll like me is a mystery. Especially since the donor’s profile page said he was “a handsome Harvard grad who almost made the Olympic rowing team.” I think he was more likely “a very good liar who donated his sperm because he needed the extra cash.”

Unfortunately, the moms are scrambling for funds, making Wil feel guilty for hoping to participate in a school band exchange program with students in Paris. So, he works long hours at a hot-dog outlet to raise the funds.

Meanwhile, his elderly neighbour Sal, who needs help attending aquasize classes, becomes his new best friend. And Tyler’s bullying carries on.

Suddenly Tyler was beside me. “You might want to stop jumping up and down, Wank. Or get a bra. Your moobs are jiggling.”

“Oh wait, [Sal] is not your grandpa. He’s your best friend. You couldn’t get anyone your own age to be your friend, so you got one from the Paleolithic age.”

Amidst all this, Wil frets over his lack of social life.

I had to fight off the wave of loneliness that was building up inside me. I was always home on Saturday nights, with one or both of my mothers and my dog. Even Sal had a standing Saturday night date playing pinochle with a bunch of his age-appropriate friends.

Happily, Wil eventually participates in the exchange program where he falls hard for Charlie, a lively girl with whom he billets. Alas, the feelings are not reciprocated. That prompts Alex, Alex’s boyfriend and Sal to launch a makeover on Wil. Regardless of whether it works for his love life (no spoilers here), it does much to mature Wil, making him more confident and less susceptible to suffering from Tyler’s meanness.

Warning: this novel is quite rude. That’s why teens will probably like it. There are innumerable references to penises and poop (both the human and dog variety). There are also lots of quirky scenes like when Sal and Wil lie underneath the dinosaur skeleton at the local museum to get perspective on how small and inconsequential they are in the scheme of things.

The characters are mostly believable, even if the mothers are slightly over the top, and it takes a bit of a stretch to buy into the unusual friendship between Sal and Wil. Written in first person, the novel is humorous and well-paced with a truly great, heartwarming ending. Indeed, the end-of-novel changes in Wil feel authentic and rewarding.

I love the heartfelt moments, such as Wil’s writing a poem for Charlie, Wil’s rescuing Sal in a medical emergency and Sal’s doling out life advice to Wil. And this being a Susin Nielsen book, the dialogue is laced throughout with her special brand of humour.

“I know it’s painful right now, Wilbur,” said Sal. “But you’ll get over Charlie. No doubt she is a very special girl, but there are plenty of fish in the sea.”

“Not in the sea of high school, Sal. Not for me. I have too much baggage. Besides, with my luck, the only fish I’d attract is the candiru.”

“What’s the candiru?”

“A fish that enters the human penis and eats it from the inside.”

All in all, I consider Tremendous Things a little less entertaining than Susin’s We Are All Made of Molecules, Optimists Die First and No Fixed Address, but only by a smidgen, so go for it.