Sara and the Search for Normal
Sara and the Search for Normal
Dr. Ring stood up. That was unusual. He walked over to the bookshelf and began to pace in front of it, his hands clasped neatly behind his back. He did that for nearly a minute in silence.
“Do you remember what you said to me the first time we met?” he asked finally.
That had been a few years ago, when my parents decided to try a new doctor.
“No.”
“You said, 'Please make me better.' And I told you what I always do. That you are who you are. That you can't set unrealistic expectations. That I can't turn you into someone you are not. That instead we must work hard toward becoming the best version of ourselves.”
I closed my eyes. I did remember that. It was when I started my rules. I decided that if no one else could help me, I would have to do it myself. That I would become Normal Sara.
“I remember,” I said.
“You are fighting me at every step. If I tell you to walk, you run. Whisper, you shout. Sometimes it seems you are doing the exact opposite of what I prescribe. And I know why.”
“Because you can't help me.”
“No,” he said. “It's because you blame yourself. Despite everything you know.”
I felt a little string of anger. Sometimes it flares up, like someone blew on the coals. Not often. Dr. Ring said I had volatile emotions. Part of the bipolar disorder.
But I didn't get angry much. It never ended well.
“Who do you want me to blame? God? I tried that, and He didn't do anything either.”
“There is no one to blame. It could be genetics. Could be luck. It doesn't matter.”
I stood up, hands balled at my sides, trembling all over. “Of course it matters!”
He turned to face me. “You need to stop trying to find someone to blame. You need to work on managing your issues– ”
“I want to be better!” I screamed. I hadn't shouted in here in months. But all of my control was slipping away now. “I don't want this anymore! I don't want a brain that is trying to hurt me. I am always afraid of what my brain will say to me. Always. And nobody can help me!”
The last part spilled out with tears that I didn't even know were coming.
“Of course they can,” Dr. Ring said calmly. “But it will be much easier for people to help if you let them.”
Sara Malvern's story starts off with a punch, a literal one in her case as she begins her narration with an anecdote of the time she punched a mirror while dress shopping with her mother. The punching incident occurred when she was six, but her real story begins six years later when Sara is 12 and struggling with her four different diagnoses. This is only the beginning of Sara's troubles with her mental health, things she calls “Games”. She explains to readers that her main symptoms are panic attacks, depression, and schizophrenic episodes, but she prefers to think of them as games (and has even made up names for them) because it makes them into something she can win eventually.
Sara's frequent losses with her games make her feel crazy and hate herself. All she wants is to be normal, and she's made a lengthy list of things she needs to do in order to achieve that state. However, when she is constantly taking pills, seeing her psychiatrist, Dr Ring, and in her own classroom away from the “normal kids”, Sara's plans for normalcy aren't going well. That is until she starts going to group therapy with some of Dr Ring's other patients, and she meets Erin. Erin is talkative and outgoing, both things the selectively mute Sara isn't, and when Erin wants to hang out with Sara, she thinks Erin can help her learn to be normal, maybe even help her learn to talk to James, another patient of Dr Ring who Sara meets at the park sometimes. James doesn't seem to mind that Sara doesn't talk much or that she's crazy. He even seems to value her craziness as he has his own problems and often asks Sara for advice on how to deal with being crazy. Between her two new friends, Sara thinks that she may be able to start crossing off more things from her list and learn to be normal sooner than later.
There's just one problem with her plans, Sara is concerned about Erin. She notices that Erin has bruises and marks she tries to cover up and makes excuses for. Sara starts to think that Erin's father might be the cause of her bruises, but Erin doesn't want to do anything about it. This, combined with the fact that James doesn't want Sara to meet anyone from his life, makes Sara think she'll never be normal. It may be up to Sara, herself, to help Erin and learn that normal isn't all it seems to be.
Wesley King's companion novel to OCDaniel ( http://www.umanitoba.ca/outreach/cm/vol22/no35/ocdaniel.html )
is one strong enough to stand on its own. Sara's story is compellingly written, with notes from Sara between chapters adding context to the story and helping readers to understand Sara's unique way of thinking. This aspect of King's writing style rings true to how children Sara's age think and act, lending a superb authenticity to the novel. Moreover, the way King writes Sara's struggles with her own mental illness and relating to others is phenomenal. Sara's journey from hating herself and wanting to be completely normal, to acceptance of herself and her disorders, is both heartbreaking and heartwarming. Her character arc is filled with moments of gut-wrenching torment and lighthearted levity. In addition, Sara's story is a truly meaningful one that illustrates the long hard road to self-love and self-acceptance is absolutely worth the struggle it takes to get there.
In addition to Sara's journey with her diagnoses, King does a wonderful job of showcasing different disorders and reactions to them. Sara meets all kinds of people at her group therapy, but readers get to see Erin and James in a better light than any of them. Erin, who has trichotillomania, something that causes her to pull out her hair obsessively, struggles with her self-image and connecting to other girls her age. There is also James who recently lost his brother and is learning to cope with that loss and relies on Sara and her experiences to help him. Both of these characters have unique reactions to their own disorders and how they interact with Sara. Furthermore, readers get to see how these characters interact with their families and how their families react to their diagnoses. The different interactions and reactions to the various diagnoses and disorders at play in Sara's story are diverse and well-written, adding depth to the novel and its characters.
Sara and the Search for Normal is a fantastic story that doesn't pull any punches along the way. More than that, it is a crucial journey to self-love that is entirely too relatable. Sara's reasons for hating herself are not only unwound and deconstructed in King's novel, but they are also replaced with reasons for loving herself for exactly who she is. Throughout the story, readers will be rooting for Sara to love herself the same way they love her.
Deanna Feuer is an English Literature graduate from the University of the Fraser Valley. She lives in Langley, British Columbia.